Pineapple, cranberry & coconut cupcakes, w/malted coconut buttercream frosting

A few days ago I decided I needed to bake something with cranberries and coconut, and there are certain desires humans were not meant to fight.

There really isn't much to these cupcakes. The basic recipe is really meant to be for a small, simple, fluffy cake; I just didn't feel like making a CAKE.

1/2 cup self-rising flour
1/2 cup sugar
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 stick (1/4 cup) butter, room temperature
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 cup shredded coconut
Drained crushed pineapple, as needed
Dried cranberries, as needed

Preheat oven to 375F.
Mix together the flour, sugar, eggs, butter and vanilla until well combined, fold in coconut.
No, really, that's it.
I was making those tiny little mini cupcakes you can eat in one bite, with the tiny little mini cupcake paper liners that are a pain in the ass to pull apart. At the bottom of the liners I put about 1/4 tsp of the pineapple and a couple of cranberries; spooned batter on top and baked for about 15 minutes.
No. Really. That's IT.

I made that batch a couple of nights ago as a test run, didn't get around to making the frosting until tonight, and of course by now all the cupcakes are gone. So I don't really know how this frosting will work with the cupcakes, but I can't imagine the results being atrocious.

Malted Coconut Buttercream Frosting
1 stick (1/4 cup) butter, room temperature
1/4 cup vegetable shortening (Buttercream frosting is the ONLY time I condone the -partial- use of this abomination. Ugh)
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
Almond extract (JUST a few drops)
2 1/2 cups confectioner's sugar, sifted
1 1/2 Tbsp powdered malted milk
1 1/2 Tbsp coconut milk

Cream together butter, shortening and extracts. Add the sugar gradually, 1/2 cup at a time or so, continuing to beat in between additions. I add the sugar and stir with a spatula before turning the mixer back on, because I like not being covered in confectioner's sugar. Add the malted milk and continue mixing--I may or may not have used more than 1 1/2 tablespoons because I always say I'm going to start measuring stuff for the Very Purpose of this blog, then I start measuring, halfway through the process decide I need more of an ingredient, and then I just toss some more in, so let's call it 1 1/2 tablespoons and be done with it. This mixture will look a bit dry, and that's okay. Once everything's combined, add the coconut milk and then beat for a while until it's creamy.

So now I have a container full of this stuff in the fridge, and I won't get to know if it makes or breaks the cupcakes until I make The Real Batch tomorrow for this road trip with Ms. Lisa.

Tastes pretty good by itself, though.

Tiramisu

Abominations and experimenting aside, most people agree that I'm a rather good cook. I agree that I am ridiculously vain, and therefore concur.

This right here, though? This is the one thing I go out of my way to brag about. My tiramisu may possibly be the best thing in the history of ever.

Am I able to follow my own recipe to the letter? Of course not. There were factors outside of my control, see.

As I mentioned in the previous post, my sister was in charge of doing the groceries for her own demands. She went to the store quite late last night, and no liquor stores were open at that hour. We don't have any Kahlúa in the house. Today is Sunday. All of these things are bad.
The in-laws have Kahlúa. That's good!
But that would be stealing, and that's bad.
I'm pretty sure we'd pay it back. That's good!
Then I could make my tiramisu, and that's REALLY good, but I'm home without a car and J didn't go borrow the Kahlúa from his folks'. (That's bad)

So we make a non-alcoholic version. That's meh. I had something like a third of a shot of raspberry schnapps, and might as well get rid of it, right?

Okay, then.

2 cups strong coffee (or espresso) (I used the Mexican coffee from earlier today)
2 tbsp. sugar (skipped this, since my coffee had sugar already)
6 tbsp. Kahlúa (... ... ...)

Mix well, set aside to cool.


2 1/2 pkgs lady fingers
3 large eggs, room temperature, separated
1/2 pint heavy whipping cream
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp. vanilla*
8 oz. mascarpone cheese
1 oz. Cream cheese

*I've been known to use almond extract, raspberry extract, or 2 tsp Amaretto, instead

In a non-plastic bowl, beat egg whites until hard peaks form. Set aside.

In a non-plastic bowl, beat whipping cream until soft peaks form. Set aside. (Make sure that both the bowl and the mixer attachments are chilled for this. I stuck them in the freezer a few minutes before mixing).

In a separate container, beat egg yolks, sugar & vanilla for about 2-3 minutes until pale-yellow & creamy. Add mascarpone and cream cheese (softened) and mix until well combined, about 3-5 minutes. The addition of cream cheese serves the purpose of giving depth, not flavor or texture. Just go with it.

Gently fold the egg whites into the mascarpone mixture, and once combined, fold about half the whipped cream as well. Put the other half in the fridge for later.

You'll need a pretty big container, or several. Line the bottom with the lady fingers dipped in the coffee mix (don't soak them too long or they'll fall apart, but make sure they ARE properly soaked), layer mascarpone mix on top. Repeat until you run out of room, finishing with a mascarpone layer. Cover and refrigerate for about 2-3 hours. Spread the rest of the whipped cream on top and sprinkle with cocoa powder.



Ack, midnight kitchen lighting won't allow for a good shot.

I don't have cocoa powder, but I do have about 3lbs of Easter chocolate in the fridge......... poor bunny never saw it coming.

Aloo Gobi

I'll be honest, I don't know what the hell Aloo Gobi's supposed to BE. A vegetable curry, I'm told? Alright. Sure.

Among the Rules of the House there is one that applies to anyone who comes to visit, ever: Bring home the necessary ingredients and I'll cook it for you. It's very simple, and I'm game for anything you come up with.

The sister recently decided she wants to be a vegetarian, and started looking through the vegetarian cookbooks. She wants me to make aloo gobi, I go over The Rule and she goes to the grocery store. So here it go.

1lb potatoes
2 tbsp peanut or corn oil
1 tsp cumin seeds
2 green chiles, seeded and finely chopped (and if you're me, also de-veined)
1 cauliflower, cut into florets
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground coriander
1/2 tsp ground turmeric
1/4 tsp chili powder
salt and pepper
chopped fresh cilantro

In a small bowl, mix ground spices and the chili powder. Set aside.

Cut up potatoes, 1-in cubes. Cook them in boiling water for ~10 minutes.

In the meantime, heat oil in a large skillet; add cumin seeds and cook for ~1 1/2 minutes stirring constantly (they'll start popping and smelling awesome).

Add chiles, cook for about a minute stirring constantly.

Add cauliflower, cook for about 5 minutes Stirring Constantly. Remove from heat while you drain potatoes.

Add potatoes and sprinkle the spices over everything. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Return to heat and cook for another 10+ minutes while stirring frequently until the vegetables are tender.

Garnish with the cilantro.

And because there are days when I am, in fact, Mexican, I added a sprinkle of lime juice before digging in.

Tasty.



(The sister gives her seal of approval)

Mexican coffee

I don't have the proper ingredients for the real thing. I don't even have a clay pot.

In a [preferably CLAY] pot, boil 4 cups of water over medium-high heat. Once it comes to a boil, add--

Orange peel
5 cloves
couple of cinnamon sticks
1/2 cup ground dark roast coffee
4oz piloncillo (raw sugar)

Them's the PROPER ingredients. My sister's made it a habit of always keeping oranges in the fridge, so that worked out fine--I shaved the peel in strips and not with a grater (make sure you avoid the white bits). I only have ground clove, so I did about 7 quick dashes of that. Likewise for the cinnamon, a few good dashes. I don't have my coffee maker anymore and all I have is instant coffee.... yeah, yeah, I know. I now also know that 1/2 cup non-instant coffee does not equal 1/2 cup instant coffee. Wheeee, I'm wired. Also, since it's instant--I added it towards the end and not at the beginning.
Annnnnnnnd I don't have piloncillo. Went with 1/2 cup light brown sugar, instead. This is the reason this entry is tagged under "abomination"--any real Mexican will tell you that there IS no substitute for piloncillo. My sister did, because, as Asian as she is, she is much, MUCH more Mexican than I am.
Simmer for 5 minutes, add a cup of cold water, cover and remove from heat.
Let it rest for 5 minutes. Strain before serving.

A long time to wait to enjoy a cup of coffee, but it's worth it.

Son of the Return of the Freezer Revenge: The Stir Fry

So then I made that Stir Fry.

I have a bottle of Chile de Arbol oil that was a byproduct of making an insanely spicy salsa (by my standards. Meaning, not very spicy at all). The oil itself can't be considered a culinary weapon, but it does add a zing to dishes that is more flavor than heat. I'll try to post a recipe of that salsa the next time I find myself making it. It's really good, actually.

This is the oil that I used to sear the stir fry beef. Set aside, add a bit more oil, saute the carrot/celery/onion blend.

Added a bag of stir fry veggies that I happened to have in The Freezer, cooked over medium-high heat for about 6 minutes, added the beef back to the pan. Gave it a couple of sprinkles of soy sauce and a good swirl of stir-fry sauce (thereby winning this entry a place in the "faking it" tag, but that sauce is pretty good!), cooked it for a minute or so longer, served over rice.

Not including prep time from earlier today (making the rice, sucker-punching vegetables, etcetera), this meal was put together in about 20 minutes. The 7 year-old ate a huge bowl of it, so I'm going to call it a success.



PS-You know what would have been awesome here and I didn't even think about? GINGER.

From the depths of my Freezer

At any given point in time I can usually dig around in my Freezer and find a bit of awesomeness.

Because I freeze EVERYTHING.

What I had in the fridge were some baby carrots, celery and onions, which by itself meant I could pretty much do anything I damn wanted.

Got some plain white rice to steam, sucker-punched my veggies in a tiny food processor, set everything aside for some stir fry I plan to whip up with some beef from... The Freezer. I usually buy a few extra packages of stir fry beef from the store, get home, wrap the entire package tight in a couple of layers of Saran wrap and forget all about them (in The Freezer) until they sound like a good idea again. They freeze well, and defrost remarkably quick.



But that's for dinner tonight. Later.
In the meantime, I could go for some soup.

Simmer some more of those chopped veggies with some chicken broth (I don't have any at the moment, so it was water and chicken bouillon), a good clove of minced garlic, some herbs (thyme, parsley, cilantro--my folks always say it's pointless to use those last two together, and I disagree), and added lime zest from The Freezer... I left that on the stove for a good 40 minutes or so, then dug around The Freezer for some more stuff.

Frozen corn.... what's this, a baggie of shredded beef? Alright... this kinda looks like an ice-cube shaped lump of blanched spinach... yeah, I think I remember doing that, okay... Sweet.

Bowl: beef, some of the cooked rice from earlier, broth. Sprinkle of lime juice. If I had avocado this would be perfection. Daughter's vs. mine: mine has the spinach and cayenne pepper. YUM.

Cheesy spinach dip

What's all THIS crap??

This is me reaching fairly randomly into the refrigerator when I realized I had a huge bag of spinach I'd forgotten about, that needed to be used Real Soon. Like, NOW. Told my sister to bring home some chips and I got to work.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. I DO NOT GUARANTEE RESULTS, NOR DO I PROMISE GOOD HEALTH

Tablespoon of butter, tablespoon of flour over low heat, cook a few minutes. I added about 1/4 cup of white wine, which in this case turned out to be Riesling, and even I know that's not a good idea. Riesling's too sweet, you want a dry wine, maybe a Chardonnay or a Sauvignon Blanc. It's what I had, and instead of skipping the wine altogether, I went with it. I do what I WANT.
Now, this would have been fine and dandy like so, maybe more wine, but noooooooo. I went a weird direction and added..... MILK. To an acidic wine. I believe in my heart of hearts that I knew somewhere in my subconscious that this was a Really Bad Idea, but, like I said, I do what I WANT. Can you guess what happened? Curdling happened. I almost gave up on it then, but I had faith in this little abomination I was creating and I kept simmering until it became smooth and creamy again. Believe it or not.
I added a bit more milk (probably ended up using about 3/4 of a cup total, give or take).
Then I started throwing stuff in, not all at once, but little by little. CHEESES. Shredded Monterey/Colby blend, bleu cheese crumbles, grated parmesan. Dashes of white pepper, parsley. Stir frequently, and while that's simmering and melting and coming together....

In a large pan heat some olive oil, add super finely chopped onion and garlic and saute over high heat until translucent. I added the huge amounts of spinach and covered, stirring occasionally until wilted. Drained it as best as I could and added it to my cheesy mess up there.
I simmered that for a while until it was nice and thick and cheesy and as scrumptious-looking as you can allow yourself to imagine it to be after you've seen it in its curdled stage. Removed from heat and added a couple of tablespoons of cream cheese, stirred until well incorporated, and voila.


It turned out to be delicious and everybody present loved the hell out of it and now it's completely gone, but that's not the point.

I still don't recommend trying this out for yourself.

(Aside from eating it with chips, I poured some over rice and it was awesome. Maybe making it thicker and baking it inside croissants would be fantastic. I could also see it over seared salmon. But seriously, don't make this at home)

Lunchbox

Every now and then the Daughter gets more than a sandwich to take to school for lunch. Some time last week she took some tuna sushi rolls, which I'm happy to report she loves. The thing with something like sushi is that you have to keep it cold, and those blue ice block things take up too much room in a little girl's lunch box.

That's when a snack like grapes comes in handy.

Place grapes in a single layer in the freezer until solid - you don't want one big block o'grape. Once they're frozen you can put them in a ziploc bag and they'll keep your food cold until lunch time arrives.

I cut her sushi rolls real thin, so they can go in a regular square sandwich container and leave plenty of room for the baggie of grapes in there, too (I use parchment paper as a divider).

The Carnivore Agenda, Spaghetti edition

Make no mistake: When given the chance, time, ingredients and caffeine, I would much rather cook pretty much everything from scratch. It's hard to tell from nearly every entry here, but I am ALL for spending 8 hours in the kitchen working on two or three dishes.

That is not the case, today.

An 8-item grocery list turned into a full cart, and in the interest of coming up with a quick dinner we decided on Spaghetti, the Faking It version.

1 box spaghetti noodles
1 lb ground beef
1 jar spaghetti sauce of your choice*
Roughly chopped spinach
Chopped parsley
Garlic
Grated ginger
Oregano
Chipotle (powder or en adobo)
White pepper
Bay leaves

The most pain-in-the-ass part of making spaghetti is getting that huge pot of water to BOIL ALREADY. Huge pot of water, some sea salt and a few bay leaves thrown in. While that's taking its sweet time, brown the beef and drain all the fat. Lower heat to a simmer, pour spaghetti sauce in (*I like the mushroom or meat ones). Add spinach, a clove of crushed garlic, some ginger, oregano, as much chipotle as you think you can handle (I add just a dash for flavor, not heat), white pepper, a couple of bay leaves. Simmer that until your water FINALLY BOILS, and leave it on there through the 9-11 minutes it'll take the pasta to cook (watch for the splatters). Just before the pasta is done, add the chopped parsley and another clove of crushed garlic into the sauce.
Drain pasta, remove sauce from heat and stuff your face with awesome.

Now, the garlic toast thing really works better with a baguette or something to that effect, but I don't have that kind of foresight when I do groceries. Soften some butter in the microwave (soften, not melt), add salt to taste, crushed garlic (because there just isn't enough garlic in this post already) and whatever herbs rock your boat. Spread over some bread and put it in the oven at 300F for some 10 minutes or so.

If you're worried about the garlic, that's what wine is for. Tomato dishes = red wine.

Tuna Ring, in which my ability to speak English deserts me

It's Friday.

I don't observe Lent, but it does give me an excuse to make some people around here eat fish.

There's a delicious abomination called a Taco Ring, you may have heard of it or even eaten it before. It involves croissant dough, ground meat, taco seasoning and a metric ton of CHEESE. It's pretty awesome, really, but I always feel like such a phony Mexican when I make it, because, seriously, taco seasoning??

Anyway, as I said, it's Friday. No meat for J today. We IMPROVISE around these parts.

Tuna Ring
Croissant rolls dough
Canned tuna (I used a 12oz can)
1 metric ton of shredded cheese
1 egg
Bread crumbs (what, about 2 tbs.? Give or take?)
Finely chopped parsley
Sprinkle of ground ginger
Sprinkle of garlic powder (which I hate, but this was a lazy, fakin'-it sort of meal)
Annnnnnnnnd...
Mashed potatoes. Again, I'm going half-ass on this, so I used instant. This was about making a Really Quick meal, not a gourmet one, bear with me.

Preheat oven, 375 degrees.

Drain tuna, mix with everything else.

Lay out the croissant triangles on an ungreased cookie sheet so they make this circle thing. It's a tricky thing, and I'm sure a masters degree in applied geometry would help make this easier, but do the best you can. Spoon the tuna mush onto it and fold the dough over it so that you end up with an actual ring. I could have taken pictures, but didn't. What. I'm just going to use pictures other people have successfully taken of a taco ring.


My croissant circle of doom never looks that cool.

Bake according to the directions on the dough can, usually 12 or so minutes at 375 degrees or until a nice, golden brown.

Mind you, this is what/how much I made. Yeah, after piling up all that tuna and the mashed potatoes and ALL THAT CHEESE, it was almost too much for just one can of croissants. And maybe my little circle of death would've looked much neater if I'd used two, but it worked out.

If I'd wanted to spend more time on this thing, I may have used roasted (or super finely chopped fresh) garlic, fresh grated ginger, maybe some steamed spinach. I'm kinda feeling some chopped green olives, here, or jalapeno.

Maybe next time.

41 lbs of turkey

That's almost as much as my daughter weighs.

I may or may not have 3 whole turkeys in my refrigerator, which may or may not need to be cooked TODAY.

And by "may or may not have," I mean I totally do.

I've never cooked a whole turkey before. This will be a learning experience, and hopefully Not At All a failed experiment.

If you don't hear from these turkeys again, it was the latter.

I think I'll need help on this one. I will be armed to the eardrums with Alice in Chains, Faith No More, Father Peter and maybe some Megadeth.

EDIT--After unloading one of these babies on my mother-in-law, it is safe to say that one of the turkeys was a definite success and the other one.... maybe not so much. Remains to be seen, since we annihilated that first one and no one had any hunger left for the second one. It's cooked, I'm not pleased with the visual results, tomorrow we'll see how it turned out.

Many, many pictures to go through, I will eventually post recipes and details.

EDIT v2.0--OR NOT. Guh, I'm such a slacker.